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the years
track across my face
trailing lines,
traces,
scars in my
once-smooth
complexion, darkening
blonde hair to brown,
streaking it
with white

yet still
does my heart
race when you
reach for me, blood
burns, skin
sings, and
time-softened
lips know well
the path to
eden
Just thinking... :heart:
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:iconalecbell:
AlecBell Featured By Owner May 29, 2008
It's always good to bang the "life goes on" drum, and it helps when the drummer is as convincing as you.

I do have a reservation, that the opening of the second stanza could be strengthened.

Your use of the question syntax "does my heart" is a little incongruous against the poem's contemporary colloquial diction. Yet my heart still races?
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 29, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
You're right. I need to get back to this one. Thanks. :hug:
Reply
:iconprosaic-scriptor:
Prosaic-Scriptor Featured By Owner May 28, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
Awww....

And they're not "scars". That's negative. *waggles finger back forth*
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 28, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know...I think wrinkles qualify as time scars. :D

Not to worry - since must of them are laugh lines, it's okay. :hug:
Reply
:iconprosaic-scriptor:
Prosaic-Scriptor Featured By Owner May 28, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, I guess.

Okay, then, that's good. :D
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 28, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:aww:
Reply
:iconlylicagalatea:
LylicaGalatea Featured By Owner May 19, 2008   Photographer
it doesn't sound at all bad to grow old together with someone and lock up to him so much you can find him with closed eyes.
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 19, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
That's a lovely sentiment - to find him with closed eyes. You sure you're not a poet? :aww:
Reply
:iconlylicagalatea:
LylicaGalatea Featured By Owner May 19, 2008   Photographer
:D
:whisper: I wanted to say something els but translating it was too difficult so I simplified... lucky one :rofl:
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 19, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:hug::hug::hug:
Reply
:iconprettycrazy:
PrettyCrazy Featured By Owner May 19, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Mmmmm. You get me in the mood...

I like the idea of growing old together in this poem...
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 19, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you like it. :hug:
Reply
:icondeadthoughiseemalie:
DeadThoughISeemALie Featured By Owner May 16, 2008   Writer
oh-la-la
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 16, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:icontrikuti:
trikuti Featured By Owner May 15, 2008
:clap:
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 15, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Ben. :hug:
Reply
:iconcarlomarx:
CarloMarx Featured By Owner May 15, 2008
Beautiful and deep.
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 15, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Kate. :hug:
Reply
:icon1001g:
1001G Featured By Owner May 15, 2008
:nod:........nice
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 15, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconokiehillgirl:
okiehillgirl Featured By Owner May 15, 2008
i think it's good the way it is.... if i read the first part, i'd be thinking 'yes, and???'
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 15, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
That's kinda the way I saw it, too. Thanks, lady. :hug:

So, how are you?
Reply
:iconpraytell:
praytell Featured By Owner May 14, 2008
thinkin filth:)
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
So...is that good or bad? :aww:
Reply
:iconpraytell:
praytell Featured By Owner May 14, 2008
not sure i could really call you a friend if you didnt:)
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:hug::hug::hug:
Reply
:iconyorynot:
YorYnot Featured By Owner May 14, 2008
sweet and sexy!!! :)
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I haven't seen you lately. How are you? :hug:
Reply
:iconyorynot:
YorYnot Featured By Owner May 14, 2008
MAD busy at work, and lots of spring chores at my barn... no time for deviant fun!!!
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you're doing okay. Hope you get time for deviant fun soon! :hug:
Reply
:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Student Writer
As I read it, there is no dramatic tension at all really in either stanza without the other to tug at it - Were we voting, I'd have to say the two stanzas really seem at their best if paired.

:hug:
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Dave. :hug:
Reply
:iconbeyond-the-pages:
Beyond-the-Pages Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
I think that the two stanzas fit perfectly together; it is more of a description without the second stanza.
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Izzy. :hug:
Reply
:iconbeyond-the-pages:
Beyond-the-Pages Featured By Owner May 15, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconmelanophrionsa:
Melanophrionsa Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
I agree with DL that they could stand seperately...

But I like them together this way.
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Really? I must be tired this afternoon because to me, the first half is nothing but a description without the second. I think I'm going to have to read it again tomorrow...

Thanks for the help! :hug:
Reply
:icondarkliterature:
DarkLiterature Featured By Owner May 14, 2008
it may be just me, but I believe the first part could stand alone. the second part just sounds out of place.

it's great either way.
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Hmmm...for me, the second half is kinda the whole point, but I'll look at it again. Thanks! :hug:
Reply
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