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Rimmed in darkness,
the sun edges over

the horizon and shakes
off the remnants of night,

a bright orange plate on
a dark blue table

just in time for
breakfast.
#2 in ~cypriphobia's June Prompt Challenge - Rim

Since I'll be gone a lot of the day tomorrow, I went ahead and did it tonight. It is after midnight, so I guess it's okay. :aww:
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:iconvioletphantasy:
Violetphantasy Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2008  Hobbyist Digital Artist
What an amazing metaphor.^^ I am truly impressed.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :hug:
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:iconvioletphantasy:
Violetphantasy Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2008  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're welcome.^^
Reply
:icontopfiverecordsinc:
topfiverecordsInc Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2008
i love the way this ends!
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. I like this one, too. :aww:
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:icontopfiverecordsinc:
topfiverecordsInc Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2008
great minds think alike!
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:iconcolonelfitz:
ColonelFitz Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2008
Absolutely lovely! I adore the imagery on this one! :heart:
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :w00t:
Reply
:iconpraytell:
praytell Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2008
loverly:)
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
I always think of Mary Poppins when you say that... :D
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:iconpraytell:
praytell Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2008
just a spoon full of medicine helps the sugar go down:)
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah! :D
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:iconalecbell:
AlecBell Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2008
Sweetly complete.

If I were thinking about pruning, I'd cut the last couplet. You've reached the reader's conclusion for them.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Alec. But I like the last couplet, so can I keep it? Please? Pretty please? :hug:
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:iconalecbell:
AlecBell Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2008
It could make a good title?
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
heh. Maybe. :aww:
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:iconarkansawyer:
arkansawyer Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Photographer
Hmmm... I'll have to find you a sunrise shot to use as a preview pic. :D
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
You like that one? :aww:
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:iconarkansawyer:
arkansawyer Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Photographer
:nod: Great visualizations!
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:iconprosaic-scriptor:
Prosaic-Scriptor Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
The last two verses are very.... similar. I am forgetting my words today, forgive me.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Not to worry - I forget my words half the time... :aww:
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:iconprosaic-scriptor:
Prosaic-Scriptor Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
:aww: Yes, well... It was very good. :D
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. :hug:
Reply
:iconprosaic-scriptor:
Prosaic-Scriptor Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
:aww:
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:icontipon-mytongue:
TipOn-MyTongue Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
Hey thats a pretty cool poem, very calm like a morning breakfast, (most of the time)_ :)
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much. :hug:
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:icondarkliterature:
DarkLiterature Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
veeery visual. I love natural metaphors, and any poem describing the sun and moon/day and night is a winner. reminds me of older poems I used to write using the line "stars like diamonds strewn across a velvet swathe".. or something like that.

:thumbsup:
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much. I'm glad you like it. :hug:
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Student Writer
I think that one works pretty well Cindy...it has a tightness to it...by not trying to do to much, it does plenty =)
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, man. I'm thinking about cutting the first stanza. Whaddya think?
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Student Writer
Actually I think the second line is the difficulty...it runs totally counter to the rest of the poem's tone. You could cut it all...or just refocus the second line..."struggles" in fact may even be the difficulty all by itself...maybe just that word could get a revision
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Made small changes to the first and second stanzas. What do you think now?
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Student Writer
Hmmmm...I think that second line still seems jaring...

I also think I preferd the second stanza as it was before - it seemed more observationally focused as it was worded, more natural, and so more ambiguously meaningful. casting off raiments seems stiff and more suggestive of a disparaging judgement...
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Oi! Such a picky man! Let me fix it. :)
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:iconsherrabelle:
sherrabelle Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
Lovely!
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :hug:
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:icon1001g:
1001G Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
lovely cindy
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Edie. :hug:
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:icon1001g:
1001G Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
so very welcome cindy
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:iconcypriphobia:
cypriphobia Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Student Writer
Love the ending!
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:iconpardonm3:
pardonM3 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
oh, this is lovely!
the word 'rim' is used in such a clever way.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I kinda liked it, too. :aww:
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:iconptgreat:
PTGreat Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
Your imagery is always so wonderful! :love:
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :hug:
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:iconptgreat:
PTGreat Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
:hug: You're welcome!
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:icongregorkerle:
GregorKerle Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Professional General Artist
Very nice :heart:
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :hug:
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:icontechsupremo:
techsupremo Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008
nice.. a new beginning..
me like!
Reply
:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :hug:
Reply
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