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She’s a mousy little woman
in a mousy little job
with a mousy little husband
and 2.5 mousy little children
in a mousy little house
in a mousy little neighborhood
in a mousy little town,
perfectly in the center of
national averages
in every way.

Hers is a mouse brown world,
a viscous fog which crushes
every spark that threatens
its brownness.

If her eyes ever
open to the colors
of possibility, to the
knowledge of
lives unlived,

she’ll run
mad with
grief.
Not sure where this came from or if it works. Let me know what you think. Thanks.
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:iconisobellefox:
isobellefox Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2008  Hobbyist Photographer
I like it. I think about stuff like this a lot these days, and you captured the situation perfectly. It is indeed sometimes a mouse brown world.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Some days, it just strikes me how small lives can be, and some people seem satisfied with that. I always wonder if they really are or if they even realize it...
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:iconprosaic-scriptor:
Prosaic-Scriptor Featured By Owner May 9, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
Lots of mousyness. :D I doubt that's a word.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 10, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:aww:
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:iconprosaic-scriptor:
Prosaic-Scriptor Featured By Owner May 10, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
:D
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:iconalecbell:
AlecBell Featured By Owner May 4, 2008
Almost a satirical ballad. (that is definitely satirical, and nodding in the direction of ballad.)

I do agree with your defence of the repetitions. It does give an external and judgmental quality to the piece. In this case no satire without repetition.

I do wonder if the closing assertions might have more force as questions? This would open up the poem to those possibilities you have already mentioned.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 5, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, Alec. I haven't been back to this one yet. I'll look at it again with both your and Dave's comments in mind. :hug:
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:icontopfiverecordsinc:
topfiverecordsInc Featured By Owner May 4, 2008
oh it most certainly works! This is great!
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 4, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Lauren. :hug:
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:icontopfiverecordsinc:
topfiverecordsInc Featured By Owner May 4, 2008
you're welcome.
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:iconptgreat:
PTGreat Featured By Owner May 2, 2008
Awesome
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :hug:
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:iconptgreat:
PTGreat Featured By Owner May 2, 2008
:glomp: You're welcome!
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:iconaussie-blonde:
Aussie-Blonde Featured By Owner May 2, 2008
its real mousy like!! good job and a brilliant mind!!
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 2, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Linley. :hug:
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:iconaussie-blonde:
Aussie-Blonde Featured By Owner May 2, 2008
u are so welcome Cindy!:)
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:iconcolonelfitz:
ColonelFitz Featured By Owner May 1, 2008
This reminds me of the old adage "Ignorance is bliss." Or at least, ignorance resembles bliss. What you don't know can't bother you, can it? :P
2.5 little children...hm...maybe one of them was just really small... ;)
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:aww:
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Student Writer
I like the bulk of it Cindy but the first stanza feels heavy and overly repetitive, like it's hammering away at it's effort to make a connection that is not that hard to pick up on. That's the end of the poem that I don't think really works yet.

The rest is pretty solid but I wonder if it would gain strength if worked in the first person...presented in the third, given what it says, it has a slightly judgmental tang that would be dissolved entirely by a shift in person....

whatcha think?
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
I think her life is a constant brown repetition, so this caught what I was trying for, but I'll look at it again when it's had time to stew a bit. Thanks. :hug:

And I didn't try to sound judgmental, but your comment does raise an interesting question. Are we always supposed to be non-judgmental and neutral?

I...don't know. :hmm:
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Student Writer
I think it is impossible to be entirely non-judgmental, we live in the first person narration that is life and judgment is ingrained in that, but to create a work that focuses on another's failing or weakness while presenting itself as observational - that doesn't work as well for me. It seems artistically dishonest (or maybe I just mean neutral) in a way that serves neither the art nor the observation well. Your poem about having to put down your mom's dog for instance - first person and just an observation but WOW, that poem served the art and the idea both.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
But I have known people like this woman; haven't you? People who never see outside their own small worlds, who feel threatened by anyone who questions, the first in line to treat people like you and me with suspicion simply because we try to be open-minded. She's not a nice woman, you know. I guess I don't think of this one in the first person because I can see her so clearly in my mind, and she's not me.

But I'll come back to it when I'm in a better mood and give it an honest once-over, okay? If it seems bad to me, I'll take it down. Thanks again for the honest commentary. :hug:
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Student Writer
Ahhh my buddy..much love for you and many thanks for your angelic kindness...You do as you please 'k, because it's all ok by me.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
That's so kind of you, Dave. I'm hardly angelic today. When I get too tired, I sometimes fall into an ugly mood and then I write ugly poems, so I'm sure that most of what you've said is perfectly correct. I just need a little sleep to be more reasonable about it. Overlook me. :hug::hug::hug:
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Student Writer
I hear ya, but never ugly Cindy, not you and not your poems...just human, and that is really all so beautiful in the end. Sleep and dream of how human you are and it'll be better in just a little bit.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Dave. You really are a good friend, and I'm grateful. :glomp:
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(1 Reply)
:iconshescreamsirony:
sheSCREAMSirony Featured By Owner May 1, 2008
Great work, though really depressing. It kind of makes me anxious.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Don't be anxious. Just don't be like her... :hug:
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:iconbeyond-the-pages:
Beyond-the-Pages Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
It works. :nod:

:hug:
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Izzy. :hug:
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:iconbeyond-the-pages:
Beyond-the-Pages Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconprettycrazy:
PrettyCrazy Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah. It works. Genius.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much. :hug:
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:iconshescreamsirony:
sheSCREAMSirony Featured By Owner May 2, 2008
:hug:
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:iconathazagoraphobias:
Athazagoraphobias Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
I like this, especially the 2.5 mousy children line. :)
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. Those statistics always sound so odd...
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:iconathazagoraphobias:
Athazagoraphobias Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
To me as well, but it works especially well in this poem. Imagine, 0.5 of a child? Rather surreal, or gruesome...
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:iconpraytell:
praytell Featured By Owner May 1, 2008
wowzerz is what i think.
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, Chris. :hug:

I think maybe I'm in a mood today...
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:iconpraytell:
praytell Featured By Owner May 1, 2008
really? i hadnt noticed:) tho, this is an idea place to vent, eh? :)
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:iconblueskye27:
Blueskye27 Featured By Owner May 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, it's a good place to vent. :hug:
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